Friday, August 15, 2008

It's Back! The Race Nightmare!

I haven't had one of these in two, my race was not a diaster, it hasn't even happened yet. It was my dream last night. I usued to have these hilarious race-gone-wrong dreams. And now, another..

I was down in Parkersburg to run a marathon. There were only about 20 or so runners around the starting line. I had to use the bathroom, but knew the race would start any second. (Like an ultra start, just a casual go.) So I kept eying the official and looking for a luck.

Finally he says go! And we're off. The area we are running in is the old downtown, with many little streets. But there is also trouble on the race course, some markers are missing. Volunteers are yelling, "take the fourth street! The fourth street! No, not that 4th Street!" It's hard, for someone running, to distinguish an alley from the street. I finally make the turn, and them immediately am directed, four steps later, to a hard left turn. Then more volunteers yelling for a hard right. WTF? The markers are on the corners of the street. They are giant (3 foot tall) green glow sticks. Except that it is daylight, and hard to see. As I cross an intersection, I almost collide with the lead runners. Then I can see what they have done to the the course. In able to keep it mainly in the downtown, we're literally running a maze, full of sharp lefts and rights.

The hell with it. I decide to DNF right there. I still have to pee, and I don't feel like twisting an ankle with all these sharp turns. I go in search of a bathroom. Somehow I end up in a really dirty Burger King resturant, full of really dirty people. It turns out this is also the bus stop for cross country travel. And the bathroom has toilets, but there are no cubes. I decide not to use the toilets and go back outside. I run into a friend who also dropped, because she got lost on the course.

Now, for some reason, the entire town comes out to cheer on the 25 marathon runners. There are literally a few hundred volunteers. But the course just sucked. I'm really crabby when we find our way to the finish, to get our chips taken off. I tell a few people along the way how much their course stinks (really I was being such a bitch!).
There are about ten people at the finishing tent, and I again complain about the race. I say, you know, you have all these volunteers, and people cheering on the race. Maybe you shoud consider a 1/2 marathon.
Some vapid woman looks at me, and asks "What's a half marathon?"
I stare at her, trying to figure out how she can be so stupid and still sucking air. I say "it's a half marathon. A half marathon". Doesn't that tell you exactly what it is? She still does not comprehend. I say, really slowly "It's half a marathon. Half the distance. 13.1 miles.." I wonder how she can be so stupid. I leave the tent before I kill her for her stupidity, still in search of a port-o-potty. Finally! Three of them! I open the first. Yes, it's a potty, but there's no toilet. It's just like a room. The second potty is free, but the toilet seat is on the floor. WTF? I kind of just squat and finally pee. The door has a big crack in it and people can see in but I just don't care.

We finally drive away from the race, and I'm still crabby in the car about the race.

Whew! End of dream. It must have been the BLT for dinner. I'm usually not crabby at all about a race. I wonder where that came from!


  1. I lol'ed in bed next to Jennifer and she was wondering what was so funny... It's a "HALF" marathon!! :D Too funny

  2. Did you know I signed up for my first ultra (50K)? Let the madness begin!


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